Playing With Fire
by insidiousreality
Summary: Santana Lopez is back in Miami, and it's time for her to join the family business, no matter the legal consequences. But what happens when the one person who she ever loved comes back into her life? AU
1. Love is Danger, Love is Pleasure

**A/N: I've decided to go in a different direction so the beginning of this is different than the original and I hope if you read the original few chapters your still enjoy it! **

**Summary: Santana Lopez is back in Miami, and it's for good this time. She's finally ready to join the family business, though that may not be the most legal of ventures. But what happens when she meets the one person who could make her rethink everything? And what happens when that person is not only a girl, but a member of the rival "family" as well?**

**This will definitely be mature, especially for language in the beginning, and there may be a bit of violence, and mentions of sex as well.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

Miami International Airport, the centre of the world, or so it seemed those first few times Santana's parents gripped her small hands as she followed them through the throngs of people. Now it was an end or a beginning, depending on from whose point of view you were looking at it. Mostly it was a decision.

She walked through the metal automatic doors, barely even looking up before she heard a jubilant scream of her name and her body whooshed up into the air, all thoughts of her suitcases or tiny frame tossed out the window. Puck always smelled the same; it amazed her. Sometimes he cloaked it with the Miami stench of aftershave, cigarettes, and alcohol, but when he smelled like Puck it reminded her of sun drenched days by the pool giggling happily with each other. Puck was her best friend, her partner in crime, and the most important person in her life. "I missed you kid," he said happily as he put her down. Santana had spent the last few months traveling around Europe after she graduated, but decisions had brought her back to her home and back to her father.

Puck grabbed her bags and led her out the doors to a black SUV that three bodyguards leaned on. He handed the bags before opening the door for her. Since she went to boarding school at fourteen she had found the bodyguards with their glasses and hidden pistols abrasive and strangling, when before they had been entertaining playmates. It always took her a few days to get used to their presence. Puck lived with them on a day-to-day basis and barely acknowledged them, though at night he worked with a lot of them closely. He handed her water as he joined her in the car. "Good flight?"

She shrugged, taking a long gulp from the bottle. "Fine."

"Your dad and I are so excited you're home. You should have seen him. I don't think I've ever seen him this excited."

"He's just ready for me to make a decision." This silenced Puck as he leaned back against the headrest. "Sorry," she said gently.

"You have nothing to apologize for." The mention of her joining the family business always made Puck angry. He didn't think she should be given a choice. He believed that she deserved a life outside of the mafia and that her father giving her a choice made her feel like she had to join. "We need to celebrate your triumphant return! I'm taking the night off and we're going out."

She loved Puck, but his penchant for partying always quickly exhausted her. In the beginning she mostly joined him because she didn't like the idea of him having fun without her. However, it quickly turned into joining him out of fear that he might do something stupid. So now whenever she returned home she found herself in crowded clubs with people fawning over her, terrified of what might happen if Puck had one more drink. It wasn't that he was a drunk, you couldn't compare him to those types of people, but in his line of work there was a certain amount of stress that needed to be relieved. He happened to relieve a lot of that stress through the little white powder that he trafficked so well. She couldn't judge him. She wouldn't. He was Puck and she was Santana and in the end whatever happened they'd love each other.

After what felt like hours of Puck giddily planning their night out they finally pulled up to the Lopez's palatial estate. They checked in with security at the gate then drove on through. She was surprised to see her father waiting for them on the steps of the mansion with an enormous smile on his face. Her father was always happy to see her, but he never went as far as stopping his work to greet her. Usually he'd find her sometime in the evening and greet her with a sweet kiss on the cheek and fist full of cash. Puck shifted in his seat at the sight of her father. "I don't like this San."

"I know what I'm doing Puck."

"I don't know if you do." With that the driver opened the door and Puck slipped out.

Her father always looked the same but he looked politely joyous at the sight of his daughter as he bounded down the stairs to wrap his arms around her. "Finalmente, mi niña. Será bueno tener a una mujer en la casa otra vez." She knew that he had his own group of women coming through the house, but she'd ignore that.

"Hola papi. Como estas?"

"Mejor ahora."

"Of course he is better now with his only child home." That voice always made her stomach crawl with bile. Her cousin Umberto disgusted her with his slicked back hair and gold rings. Did he need to be such a fucking cliché mobster? "So happy to have you home Santana." He pulled her into a hug that lasted a bit too long to be between cousins. She could feel Puck getting angry next to her and gently squeezed his arm to calm him. "I see they didn't trust you to go to the airport alone Noah." Berto always used Puck's first name to piss him off. Puck grew up in the Lopez family, his mom was Dominican herself and a close friend of Santana's mother, yet Berto always felt the need to remind him of the other side of his family, the side where Noah came from.

"I trust Puck; I don't trust my daughter though," Doctor Lopez said seeing the tension between the boys. Santana's father wasn't a doctor; in fact he hadn't even graduated from high school. There were a number of other reasons that he had gained the moniker of doctor: his intellect, his talents with a scalpel, along with many others. Santana knew he wanted her to continue the tradition and it was in her blood. Her grandfather had headed the family before her father and her mother's father had been his right hand man. She was bred for it and when her mother died without breeding any sons her father began to prepare her. Then her abuela got involved and suddenly she was on a plane up north to an exclusive boarding school away from the violence and drugs, but worst of all away from Puck. That day that they said goodbye she remembered as the worst day of her life. She didn't remember the day her mother died, she had only been two when the car carrying Puck's mom and her's had "crashed," or so they called it, but she remembered the wrenching feeling as Puck wiped their eyes with his sleeves. The best times of the years were seeing him in the airport waiting for her with that enormous smile on his face. Then they graduated from high school and while Santana went Ivy Puck took his rightful place in the family. The next time he picked her up things were different, his smile was the same, but there was something harder about him and that scared her more than any of the violence or drugs. Anything that could do that to her best friend must be horrible.

That was also the summer that all that mess with… well with her ended, so maybe she'd never really been the same after that.

Doctor Lopez pulled Santana towards him. "Well before we have any discussions I think you deserve a night out querido." Puck and he exchanged knowing smiles.

"Have you and Puck been talking behind my back?"

"Well it's not so hard when you go thousands of miles away," Puck interjected. He was hurt when she left; she knew that. He deserved to be. When she graduated from college she knew that he thought she'd finally be home and when she went away, though he'd never say it, it hurt him.

"Can I make up those thousands of miles through one night of debauchery?"

"Maybe two," he said seriously before they both started laughing.

Doctor Lopez kissed Santana on the forehead. "I'll let you two get started on your fun. Be safe and have a good night. I am taking you out to dinner tomorrow night Santana, so please be ready at eight."

"Ok Papi, you be safe tonight too." They never said I love you to each other, just be safe, in the end it meant more than I love yous in their life. When her father had made it through the door she turned to Puck. "So where are you dragging me to tonight?" An excited smile erupted across his face and she laughed as he threw her arm around her shoulders.

There seemed to be hundreds of people trying to make their way into the club. Santana slinked up to the bouncer and tapped him on the shoulder. He roughly turned around until he saw her face and started to smile. "Thank God you're back, this place has been quite boring without you Miss Lopez. Have fun tonight." He opened the door for her.

They moved toward their VIP booth and Puck started handing out shots to their coterie, which she drank as he did. He was so happy and that happiness was infectious. She couldn't control the smile on her face.

The evening continued on like this for a bit, with dancing and drinking and drugs, though Santana ignored these, flowing freely. Everything was going great until Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray, and their entourage were placed at the booth next to their's. Puck tensed up immediately and the substances flowing through his system only intensified it. Puck had gone to high school with Finn and Quinn, something that Santana had been saved from by her abuela. However, she knew who they were. She had to considering their familial relationships.

"Go to the bar," Puck said through gritted teeth.

"Please Puck, we can go somewhere else. I don't want an altercation tonight."

"This is our place San, they know that. They're the ones trying to start shit."

"Please."

With her pleading eyes he softened. "No hands, just words. That's all I can try for, go to the bar now."

She snaked her way through the throngs of people to take a seat at the bar. She knew the bartender from years spent coming back and forth to the club and he happily placed a vodka tonic in front of her without words just a smile. She spun the straw around in it, counting the number of brightly coloured bottles across from her, not wanting to look back at what might be happening behind her.

"I didn't believe Quinn when she said she saw you." That voice, that melodic little tingle that shot right into her so deeply, that voices that she revered. The music dimmed and the voice slammed into her. "I thought you'd call me if you ever came back to Miami."

"I've been back to Miami," Santana sighed without lifting her eyes from her drink.

Brittany cringed, trying to catch Santana's eye. She didn't like when she did that, tried to catch her eye. She always did that. "Why are you back? Last I heard you planned on studying for your MCATS up north."

"And who told you that?"

"Noah told me."

"He shouldn't have done that."

"So you're studying down here?"

"Something like that."

"Santana…" Brittany grabbed Santana's bicep.

Tossing her away, Santana looked up at her to meet those eyes. "Don't."

~Four Years Ago~

Santana lounged on a chair by the pool as sweat dripped slowly down her chest. She only moved when her phone rang for the third time in the past five minutes, not without a theatrical groan. However, when she saw a single B lighting up the phone she happily opened it. "I've been waiting for you all day Britt Britt where are you?"

"Extra dance practice. My muscles hurt."

"Do you want a massage?"

"Well that's an interesting proposal. Yours twenty minutes?"

"Mine twenty minutes."

She closed her eyes again, happy to return to her tanning knowing that Brittany would be there soon. Before she could truly fall back into her tanning a wave of water went over her. She opened her eyes to see Puck fully dressed goofily grinning at her. "Come on in!" He was drunk. She knew automatically from the sound of his voice and that lazy way his eyes moved down her body. He didn't look at her with those soft eyes he usually did, but with a deep set hunger that only a few months ago could have excited her.

If Puck ever really wanted her he ruined it that moment he drunkenly introduced Brittany to her. She'd never felt that electricity; a jolt deep in her stomach that radiated through her whole body when brown met cerulean blue. It all happened so quickly after that. Every moment she spent with Brittany, listening to her soft voice, laughing at her comments that only made sense to her, and lightly touching her taut muscular skin. It only took two months. It only took two months for her to forget all about Puck and fall completely in love with Brittany.

"C'mon Santana get in the fucking water. You're only here for like another few days and I expect my time."

She lifted her sunglasses off her head and walked slowly toward the pool, crouching down to look into Puck's eyes. "Maybe if you didn't get drunk we could have a good time, but since you insist on this…"

"So you say if I take a nap and sober up we can play?" He asked with a suggestive cock of the eyebrow.

"I have to go shower anyway. Brittany's coming over."

"Oh yeah about that, you're dad wants to see you in his office."

Although sweat poured down her skin those words caused an involuntary shiver to go down her spine.

She knocked lightly on her papi's office and at his soft voice she entered. "Ah San, siéntate por favor."

"I'm sweaty papi."

"Why do you insist on speaking English all the time? When you do business Spanish will come in handy you'll learn. I don't want you to lose it."

"And when I'm a doctor knowing English and Spanish will be important."

"That's not why I brought you in here Santana. I don't want to have to do this Santana. Te amo y no quiero hacerte daño."

"Sé que papá."

"That's why I didn't want to use these when your cousin brought them to me, but I have no choice. It's not just your reputation; it's the whole family's reputation on the line whenever you do anything." At this he took a manila folder from the locked drawer in his desk. "Lo siento. I did not want to do it Santana, but you must know that people see things." The folder contained six pictures. The first three seemed innocent, just Brittany and she splashing each other in the waves. In the fourth Brittany's arm began to snake around Santana's waist. The fifth: Santana tossing her arms around Brittany's neck. And the final sixth had Santana and Brittany about to kiss. "It needs to stop Santana."

"Pablo's gay and you treat him like a son."

"Pablo isn't you. You're special, you're my future. You and I , we will never have a choice."

"You got to marry mami."

"Your mami and I were complicated. We grew up together, whenever our parents spent time together we spent time together, so most of the time. We were very much like you and Puck, best friends, but unlike you and Puck that was it. Then I met this girl, Samantha. What an ugly name I thought when I first met her, but I'd never met a gringa like her, blonde hair blue eyes. I suppose we share a type as you children say. Well we fell in love, very quickly and very passionately. I proposed and I jubilantly went to my papa. I thought he'd be happy for me because I was so happy. He looked at me as if I was the stupidest man in the entire world and I felt that way too. Anyway at about this same time your mother met this baseball player, a bad guy who didn't treat her like he should have, but she loved him. I supported her, brought her to see him, et cetera, probably shouldn't have but she was desperate. Then one night he lost this game very badly and he took it out on her even worse. This was the same night I told my papi I proposed. After I went to her house, found her bleeding on the ground all cut up, brought her to the hospital, took care of her, and even through all that she listened to me about my gringa. Suppose it entertained her as those doctors stitched her up. At the end as I brought her home, put her in bed, she proposed to me. She said, 'I can't do love anymore. It hurts. I trust you and I love you. You'll never hurt me and it would make our parents so happy, so why don't we just marry each other and stop all this.' And I agreed because I did love her and I hated that way my papi made me feel. We make sacrifice in our business. We have to. I went to Samantha and I told her it was over. I think about Samantha often, but I love you more than I ever loved her. This is your sacrifice Santana. We all must make them."

She didn't exactly remember what happened after that. Everything went numb until she saw Brittany leaning against her car. "Where've you been San? I counted three unicorns while I waited for you."

She tried to smile, because that's what Brittany wanted her to do. She couldn't though. It hurt too much. "I can't do this Brittany. You have to go. I'm going away to school and probably never coming back."

"I can dance anywhere. I dance better when you're around, so I'll come."

"I need you to get in your car Brittany and I need you to leave." Her abuela taught her how to be strong her whole life, but right now all she could do was look at the ground and bite her lip to keep the tears away.

"You want me to leave?"

"Yes."

"Forever?"

"Please."

"Ok. If you're doing this for some reason it must be important. You are so sure about everything. I know you. I love you."

She couldn't take it anymore she just whipped around and into her house, waiting for the sound of Brittany's car to spin away.

~Present~

She took a deep breath before moving back towards Puck who seemed to be quite a good job attempting to ignore the group next to him, though he did seem to be steaming a bit. "Can we leave Puck? Please?

"We don't leave until they leave."

"You know I can make people make them leave."

"I could too."

"Then why don't you?"

"I'm not a fucking coward."

"I know you're not. I just really want to go."

"Then don't try to fight my battles for me."

"Fine I'll leave. I wanted to have a good night with my best friend, I'd be just as happy spending time at home with you.

He smiled up at her, seemingly forgetting the group next to him as she gave his hand a squeeze. That was until a drunk Finn Hudson tapped him on the shoulder. "Yo Fuck she's hot think she'll give me a turn after you like all those other girls? Probably don't even need to ask. Your girls see money and they'll come." He plucked a hundred dollar bill out of his pocket and waved it in front of her face. Quinn joined him at his side, whispering something in his ear venomously that made him go white as a sheet and shrink back.

Santana interrupted the start of Puck's own tirade. "Who the fuck do you think you are? I think you might be lost, Sea World's in Orlando and that's where you might find more of your whale kind. And how dare you talk to me or any woman that way?" She turned towards Quinn. "If this is your boyfriend then I'd frankly be embarrassed. You probably feel all big and powerful Finn because Quinn's dad has given you some kind of position cause you're fucking his daughter, though who knows I heard she only opens her legs for Puck here." Finn and Quinn both paled.

"How dare you?" Quinn retorted. "You know who my father is."

"That's cute. Unlike you Quinn I don't need my father's name to fight my battles I obviously can do them myself. From now on you stay away from this club whether you want trouble or not. That might be hard for you Quinn, I know how much you like riding Puck's dick, but in that department luckily you're replaceable." Before Quinn could respond Brittany appeared behind her. She whipped back, not wanting to see the beauty again and feel that slight warmth crawling down her stomach. Puck had his arms crossed and was smiling from ear to ear. "Get the dumb smile off your face Puck," she said while trying to fight her own smile.

"You fucked them up."

"Yeah, well, I guess I'm back."

"And thank God for that."

It didn't feel like she was back though. It felt like she was on fire and the only thing to quell the flames was Brittany's soft skin.

Santana never needed to sneak into the house, usually her father arrived home later than her, but Puck and she always walked quietly into her pool house after a night out. It was some sort of weird tradition where they would end up falling laughing together on the floor.

They made their way toward Santana's room where she padded into the bathroom the put some cool water on it. When she returned Puck lay on his stomach in nothing but his boxers with his eyes closed. She smacked him playfully on the ass. He opened one eye and cackling flipped her onto her back so that he was above her. Their breathing grew ragged as they realized their close proximity. "Please," Puck pleaded. She just responded by placing her lips on his.

Somehow it always came to this, both of them in her bed, neither of them willing to say no, because they did love each other. It wasn't in that way exactly but both of them were scared of being lonely and if it was easy to get rid of that loneliness with a bit of sex then who were they to stop it. They were each other's firsts and since then they couldn't stop, even if they were with other people no matter what at the end of the night they found each other in bed together with ragged breaths. This time though at that last release it wasn't Puck she felt watching her but Brittany.

**So there's the first chapter, I hope you enjoyed it and whether you did or didn't please review to let me know whether I should continue or not. I know it's a bit of a slow start, but I expect action to pick up pretty quickly. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Some Things are Meant to be

_Author's Note- So I haven't really been that active in a while, but here it is the second chapter. For those who may have read the first chapter a while ago I did make a switch in the storyline where Brittany and Santana had been together before. I am going to try as hard as possible to update as much as possible. Please review, it really does help. Also in scenes between Santana and her family I imagine them to be always speaking in Spanish, but this would obviously not be practical so I suppose if you could just imagine it. Thank you for reading!_

It wasn't like she meant to wake up with a hangover next to Puck. She never intended for that to happen, but here she was, staring at the ceiling going over all the times she had made this mistake. There was the first time when she was fourteen and all she wanted was Puck to love her and look at her like he did all the other girls. And then the time, her first time with anybody else but Brittany, and she cried silently next to him for the entire evening after. Maybe she just always wanted his full attention, not his love, because she certainly did not love him that way. If she loved him that way she wouldn't feel this way about Brittany. This horrific pit in her chest ached whenever she thought about her.

She could never sleep late. Her body seemed hardwired to not miss the morning hours. Even in college while her friends slept off their hangovers she'd find herself walking slowly around campus. She loved those moments, but at the same times those were the moments she felt the ache the most. The only comparison was how she felt when she thought about her mother. Life, though, had always been without her mother. As much as she tried to place the pictures into memories in her head they weren't there. Simply, she'd been too young for her mother to make the mark that most did. So more than anything she missed the idea of a mother being around. With Brittany it wasn't that, she missed pieces of Brittany, and then all of Brittany.

Slowly, she slipped out of bed as not to wake the sleeping Puck. There was no need for him to pretend that it meant something to him or that it meant something to her. All she ever thought about in those last moments of thrusting was Brittany. It was animalistic and barbaric and diminished Brittany, but she couldn't help it.

Quickly dressing, she made her way to her car and toward her abuela's house. Abuela had acted as that mother figure, along with her three aunts. Abuela decided to send Santana to boarding school when she saw her son's idea to put Santana at the helm of the family business. Still it was circling back to this. Santana knew tonight her father would ask her to begin moving into a prevalent role in his less than legal business. Abuela imagined a different future for her, planned and manicured. Boarding school- Ivy League- summers with her rich friends away from Miami- and finally one of the best medical schools in the country. She celebrated Santana's successes, as to her they represented a further shift away from Miami. But here she was, back, and she knew abuela would not be pleased. Still she had never gotten any happiness from making other people happy. The ache showed her that everyday.

As she expected her abuela greeted her at the door of her home with kisses all over her face. "It's not like I was at war. I was just in Europe."

"All those gringas you hang out, I don't trust them. They take you away from me."

"May I remind you who sent me away?"

"How long will you hold that over me for mija?"

"I don't hold it over you. I thank you for it everyday."

"Sit down, sit down, eat, you're so skinny." As she followed her into the kitchen she was greeted by her three Tias, her father's sisters, Rosa and Adriana, and her mother's one sister, Eva. It was in this kitchen that she had truly grown up. While Spanish gossip flowed above her she laid under the kitchen table. No one ever asked why she did. They had found her there after her mother died and since then it had been her place. She didn't fit under there anymore, but there was still that longing for the safety and protection as the matriarchs of her family surrounded her.

Her tias peppered her with kisses and exclamations of her skinniness. Rosa led her to a chair as Eva and Adriana began laying plates of food in front her.

"This is just what you need to fix that hangover, don't think we don't recognise those black circles under your eyes," Rosa mused as she kissed her lightly on the cheek.

Adriana sniggered behind her before sitting down next to her. "So who is the boy keeping you out this late?"

"Leave her alone girls and let her eat," Abuela saved her.

Santana began filling her mouth with food just to avoid their consistent questions. Though they asked her many it usually ended with Adriana and Rosa fighting amongst themselves, while Eva watched her carefully. Eva was different from the rest of her family. First of all she had only been seventeen when Santana was born so she had that youth that was hard to find in a family of strong women. Instead of joining any sort of the family business, or marrying someone within it, she lived a simple life as a nurse with a gringo husband in the suburbs. Eva was the first person who actually made her want to be a doctor with her models and posters. Santana would spend hours with Eva learning each and every bone and organ. As they traced the pictures Eva would gently hold her hand or tousle her hair; it was the love and care she always imagined her mother giving her and she relished in it. She told Eva everything, even about Brittany, and Eva didn't even look disgusted as she feared, she simply gave her a hug and kissed her shaking hands and told her how happy she was that Santana was happy and in love.

She knew abuela meant business when she poured herself a small glass of wine and sat down in her chair. "Your papi told me you two are having dinner tonight to discuss your future." Eva put her hand onto Santana's with a squeeze. "You know how I feel about this Santana and I don't think it's right. You were supposed to take this summer then decide to go the medical school, preferably up north away from your father and that bad influence Puck." Her family may have loved Puck, but they were also ever aware of his bad habits. "I tried to make this choice for you, but I do know I cannot, so you must do what you want. We support you, but it won't make you happy."

"So you all invited me over just to tell me you didn't want me to become when of papi's cronies in his gangs."

"We don't want you getting hurt. You're all of our jewel. The only granddaughter. We love you."

"So Adriana and Rosa can let their sons prance around with guns and cocaine, but when it comes to me you all make it seem like some sort of big ethical issue? It's not fair and you all know that. Frankly, we all know I am the smartest grandchild, whether I be the only granddaughter or not, and whatever the family business is it makes the most sense for me to take over. I'm not saying I am abuela, but I am considering it."

"This is all Puck isn't it? He's always wanted you here and this is how he knows to make you stuck here? Unless there's a baby in your belly."

"There's no baby and it's not Puck. He doesn't even want me to do it! He's never wanted that."

"Because he loves you."

"Yes, but he also respects my decision and has said that even if he doesn't like it he'll support it. Can you all say the same?"

Quiet met her, ash-faced quiet, except for Eva who simply gave her a small smile and quietly spoke, "I love you Santana, we all love you and trust you, but losing your mother was hard enough and I cannot watch something like that happen to you without you knowing how we all feel about it. I know you will do what you believe you should and what you want, you always have."

She gulped, staring at them, regretting the anger she'd previously shown. "I love you all too. I should go. I have some things to take care of before dinner tonight."

What they didn't know was her decision had already been made. She couldn't trust her father's empire to Umberto, no matter how illegal it was, and no matter how much she had to sacrifice. This was her choice.

It had been a month since she had made the decision to join in with her father. Still she spent some free time perusing medical journals and MCAT practice books, but she meant to stay with her decision for the time being, and honestly she was enjoying it. Her father had decided to put her in charge of the more legal ventures of his business for now, his many clubs and restaurants, varying from taco stands to five star restaurants and exclusive clubs. She woke up at one everyday, something that had been hard to get used to initially, then had three hours for herself before she began work at four. From four to nine she spent her time going around the various locations and checking in, then from nine to three or four she spent the evening at her father's premiere location, Vivir, or to live, a three floor restaurant, bar, and club. It also happened to be where Puck did most of his work, either from the back or a booth in the crowded bar. It calmed her to see him busy like her, especially when he gave her his goofy smile and a roll of the eyes. She liked her work; she had always been good at bossing people around and this was just perfect for her. Under her there were already revenue increases from when Umberto held her role. She was proud.

She arrived at her regular nine and met with the manager in her back office who explained to her their expected VIPs and various other necessities for the evening. She suggested some changes to the menu for an important party. The son of the Governor, who also happened to be a professional football player, Sam Evans, would be celebrating his engagement that evening, starting with a late dinner then going up to the club. The Governor was expected at the dinner, as were a number of political figures. She told the manager to tell her when they arrived and she would come and say hello. With that done she went about talking to the head of her security and tasting three new possibilities for their signature drink menu. By the time she had finished her scheduled tasks the Evans party had arrived. After checking herself in the mirror, and being quite confident in the result, she ventured out into the dining room.

She immediately saw Sam Evans' and his unnaturally large mouth. His hand rested lazily on his fiancée's back, a nice back she conceded and lovely tone of blonde hair. Her manager introduced her and the blonde slowly turned around to reveal Brittany, Brittany with an ostentatious diamond on her finger. All words crept out of Santana's head as she stood there awestruck. Quickly, she shook it off and offered her hand to Sam. "Santana Lopez, much congratulations on your engagement, if you need anything please feel free to ask for me. We are here to celebrate with you and please enjoy this champagne as an engagement present."

"Mighty fine place you have here. This is Brittany Pierce, my fiancée. She insisted on us having the party here, she loves it."

"Congratulations Miss Pierce, it's lovely to meet you." Brittany appeared as if she had been smacked in the face, but Santana did not need to try to explain to Sam how she knew Brittany, or even lie about it, though she supposed it was a lie to pretend she didn't know her. "Well, I need to take care of a few things to make sure you have the loveliest night possible. I hope to see you all later."

As she sped back to her office she could feel the beginnings of some sort of panic attack. When she reached it she slammed the door and crumpled onto the floor. The numb pit in her heart was now a pulsing chasm of pain. Brittany was engaged to a rich, successful boy. Brittany was engaged. Brittany was engaged to someone other than her. Work, that's what she needed, something to focus on, and a drink. She poured herself vodka from her private stock, gulping it down as if it was water. Then a knock came at the door. Good, work, just what she was desiring, well other than the vodka. "Come in." Instead of one of her many employees the door revealed a furious looking Brittany. "I am busy Brittany and you are supposed to be at your engagement party." The last words she spat with venom and contempt, she could not hide how she felt to Brittany, not ever.

"You pretended you didn't know who I was."

"Did you want to explain to your fiancée who I was? Please, just leave me alone."

Quickly she whipped the door open Brittany had just closed behind her, but instead of going out it Brittany slammed it closed. "No. I'm not leaving until you admit it." She had Santana pinned against the wall. It was a full affront of Brittany, her smell, watermelon jolly ranchers, ocean, and something she could never place, her eyes, perfect cerulean blue, and her face, all cheekbones and the pink lips. The chasm was ripping open in her chest and she was becoming engulfed in it, her breathing erratic and uncontrolled. "Admit you loved me and you left me and you broke my heart. Admit it."

"Please B… I can't." The chasm caused sobs now, gut wrenching heart ripping sobs that wracked Santana's entire body. And then Brittany was whipped her around so all she saw was wall as Brittany unzipped her dress, pushing her against her desk. And there she was, near nakedness, standing in front of Brittany as Brittany just looked at her. She had never been more embarrassed. "Please…" She didn't know what she was pleading for anymore. Did she want Brittany to leave or did she want her to continue the process to leave her in complete nudity? She didn't know.

Slowly, Brittany began tracing her body, with only a few fingers. Her hands skated down from Santana's collarbones to her breasts. She shivered. "These are new," she said with a cocked worried eyebrow. "Why did you do that to your body? Why would you cut up perfection?" She softly traced the scars, looking straight into her eyes. "Why San?"

"Because I wanted to feel something. Because I couldn't let anyone touch me for months after I left. I don't know. What do you want me to say?"

"You did this because of me?" Brittany looked physically wounded. "I don't understand and you're so skinny." She continued the tracing down from each rib to her protruding hip-bone. "You were skinny before, but not like this. I miss your curves." All Santana could do was gulp, words didn't work. It wasn't the teasing comments of her family, but actual worry that looked as if it was bringing Britt to tears. Finally her fingers finished their path down to the tips of Santana's underwear. Brittany kept her fingers just above her underwear, staring down at her fingers, before ever so slowly dipping her fingers beneath them. Santana let out a cry and leaned back into the desk.

Brittany teased her ever so slowly before plunging deep into Santana, as she let out something in between a moan and a sob. It did not take long before deep waves were all over Santana and she was panting against the desk. It didn't take the chasm away only made it pulse harder.

Reaching down, Brittany handed Santana her dress before making her exit. And Santana let herself weep.


	3. Darling Heart I Loved You from the Start

**Authors Note: Definitely trying to be faster about this. This is very dialogue heavy and I hope that's ok for people and it's clear who is talking. It gets a little bit violent toward the end and there are Puck and Santana moments. I know some of you have said you weren't into that and that certainly is not the ultimate pairing of this, but I hope it doesn't keep any of you from the story. Let me know what you guys think and thank you for reading!**

She made some story up about not feeling well and escaped to her new apartment. It felt like she was disintegrating as she lay in her bed, sobbing. Still under it was the ache that Brittany had caused by simply even touching her, though she had surely done more than touch her. There was no way of tracking the time with her eyes cemented shut from the world until Puck let himself in with his key. "Heard you didn't feel well. I brought you a coke slurpee and some soup." He felt her forehead. "Fever break?" All she could was nod her head as she bit her lip. She didn't want him to see her cry. He kissed her on the forehead and smoothed out her hair. "You want a shower or just to sleep? You should take your dress off though."

He began going through her drawers, pulling out her favourite pajamas. She let him lift her up and change her. He brought the drink to her lips and she took a long sip. He held her in his arms, almost rocking her back and forth gently, so gently for his large rough hands and arms. She opened her eyes to watch her fingers trace his hands. "Just talk to me like you used to when I couldn't sleep Puck, please."

"Talk to you? Ok. Well, today, I went to the gym, the boxing gym, and there was this guy must have been like seven feet tall…" She snorted in disbelief. "Ok fine, let's agree on 6'6, especially since I was the one that was there and you were doing whatever real work you do. Anyway he had me against the ropes and I was fucked you know? All the guys were cheering him on, because I think they're jealous of me because you're my best friend and they all want to fuck you, but I deal with it, it's a daily struggle, but I am a fighter. Then I slammed him right in the ribs, think I may have even broken one cause he was struggling. He fell to his knees and soon I was victorious. There's nothing like that rush, cept maybe drugs, but you know I'm trying to slow down on all that stuff."

"You are?"

"Yeah… I mean it's not a big deal, but I'm growing up and I want to be successful and focused when I'm at work, even if my work is selling drugs."

"Are you happy Puck? Like really happy?"

"Of course, I have everything I could ever want."

"And Quinn?"

"I don't know about her. It's all so complicated and I don't even know if she's the one I want to be with. But I am happy right now. I'm always happy with you."

"Me too. You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend too."

"Thanks, I think I can go to sleep now."

"I'm going to take a shower, but then I'll be here."

"You can go home if you want."

"No, I miss you over there. I'd rather be here."

"If that's what you want I won't say no."

"Ok goodnight. Stay safe San." He kissed both her cheeks then her forehead, resting his lips against it for a few seconds as if he was murmuring something onto her skin.

And though the pit still pulsed, it felt less like a chasm now and more like a pit again, a pit that if Puck was talking to her could even be forgotten for those few moments.

The sun blinded her as she attempted to open her eyes at noon. Puck and she had not slept next to each other like this since she had gotten her apartment three weeks ago. It was comforting to have someone in the large apartment, but she couldn't help the feeling that it was the wrong someone.

"How you feeling?" Puck said as he rubbed her upright back.

"Better thanks to your slurpee and story."

"Wasn't really a story, more just me."

"Whatever, take a fucking compliment when you finally get one." He hit her over the head with a pillow. "Ok, you win for now, but only cause I have to go for a run."

He looked her body up and down, not in a sexual way but in an inquisitive way. "Why don't we just have pancakes today? I think you can take a day off from the gym." He pinched the bit of her stomach revealed by her shirt. "Please? Now that you moved you never spend any time with me Miss Bidness."

"Fine, if you promise to one day let me get my chance at this seven foot giant you bested."

"We agreed on 6'6!"

"I'd please like chocolate chips in my pancakes, white and dark."

She let her legs hang off of the kitchen island as she picked pieces of pancake off Puck's pile. "It's like you haven't eating in weeks! What do you do at this place?" She giggled half-heartedly before tossing a piece of pancake at him.

Her phone began to ring from the bedroom and she ran in to answer the unknown number. "This is Santana Lopez."

A pause then a sigh, a sign she already recognised. "Hi. It's me. I mean it's Brittany."

"Hi."

"I didn't see you later."

"I felt sick so I went home."

"Oh… I'm sorry you felt sick."

"I didn't fucking feel sick Brittany, you know that."

"I wish you had stayed."

"Don't play head games with me. You never did that so don't start now. How did you even get my number?"

"I asked Puck for it when I couldn't find you later."

"Why did you want to find me?"

"To talk…"

"I think you had that chance and you were a little too busy fucking me."

"I'm sorry San."

"What do you want?"

"I want to see you. I'm sorry for last night."

"Please don't apologise to me."

"That's not a no."

"It's not a yes."

"You can come to my apartment. Sam just left for the road."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, ok. Send me the address. I have work at 3, so I can only come over around 2."

"Two works."

"See you then." She let the line go dead. Before venturing back to Puck she leaned her head against the wall, attempting to gather herself for him. There was no need to involve him in any of this.

"Everything ok in there? Pancakes are ready."

"Yep, here I come." She kissed him on the cheek before putting pancakes onto her plate.

"Who was that?"

"Just work shit."

"Sucks. Hey, I saw Brittany last time. She asked for your number, hope that's ok."

"Yeah of course."

"You guys were just such close friends, so I thought you might want to see her now that you're back sort of indefinitely."

"It's fine Puck, ok?"

"Do you have your period cause you're being a lot more Snix than San."

"What was a rule I taught you when I first got my period?"

"Never ask a girl if she has her period, because it is demeaning and makes her seem owned by her reproductive cycle."

"Good boy," she said as she flicked his ear. "Thanks for these pancakes Pucky. They are just what I need right now."

Brittany lived in one of the nicest apartment buildings in all of Miami, well so did Santana, but it was worth noting she thought. It had security outside who requested her name as soon as her own security guard opened the door for her. Apparently, Miss Pierce had told them of her arrival and they sent her right up to the penthouse, where she found Brittany nervously biting her nails on a couch. "You came," she basically sighed.

"I don't go back on my agreements."

"I'm sorry about last night. I really am."

"What part? The part where you stripped me, or fucked me, or left me?"

"All of it. I've just been so mad at you for so long."

"You are absolutely entitled to that. It's probably better that you stay that way."

"Do you know that I came to your school?"

"What?"

"At the beginning of your sophomore year. I think I thought that once you came back from school for the summer you would come back to me. I missed you so much and I thought maybe you missed me that much too. So when you didn't I saved the money and went up there. I told Puck I wanted to surprise you so he gave me all this information about you. Where you lived, what you class schedule was like. This was when Quinn and he were pretty into each other, so he figured it could only help him. Anyway, I got there and I saw you right away, but you were with a guy, and you guys were together, I could tell. Then I came home and started dating Sam and now we're engaged."

"Luke."

"What?"

"Luke was my boyfriend for some of college."

"You guys looked really happy together."

"Not really… I mean I wasn't really happy with him. We fought a lot about how he cared for me more than I cared for him. He said it seemed like there was this last hurdle he couldn't jump no matter how hard he tried. Even when he thought he reached it there would be something I did to realise he never could."

"Why?"

"You're the hurdle Brittany."

"San…" Brittany crossed the space between them. She placed her hands on either side of Santana's face, carefully studying it, before kissing her. Explosions covered Santana's body. No one else had ever had her like Brittany. No one else had ever had that control over her body. Quickly, Santana's clothes were almost entirely on the floor, creating a path to the bedroom, where Brittany lowered her onto the bed. It embarrassed Santana how easy it was for Brittany to unwind her and send her into oblivion, falling until Britt braced her, forced her to stay with her as they panted together.

They stared at each other, Santana trying to remember if it had ever been like that before, or if it had always been like that. "San, what are you like with other people?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like when you sleep with other people."

"You mean boys?"

"Or girls."

"I haven't slept with any other girls, just you."

"Then boys."

"I don't know. I mean it makes me angry, being with them makes me angry a lot of time, so I guess maybe I'm an angry fucker."

"I don't like that word, fuck. I don't like fucking."

"You fucked me last night. That was fucking."

"I didn't like it. I don't know why I did it."

"You don't have to fuck me to dominate me Britt. You always do anyway. I guess that's the difference with you and all the boys. I'm always in control."

"Is that why you broke up with me? You were scared of being out of control."

"No, that's not why. Of course I was and am terrified of it, but it doesn't matter as much as other things."

"Then why?"

"It's so complicated. I don't want to talk about it."

"I do. You broke my heart."

"And you're engaged now, so you obviously got over it."

"Don't be mean, not to me. You aren't mean to me."

"I'm mean to everyone. I'm a fucking bitch."

"Not everyone. Not me. That's how I knew you liked me as much as I liked you. I watched you at all these parties on the attack for months, admired you, and then Puck introduced us and you didn't have any kind of snide comment. I knew you felt it too."

"Felt what?"

"That electricity, like we were meant to be together."

"Those are some big words." Santana turned away from Brittany, so she didn't have to see the hurt on Brittany's face.

"Don't do that. Don't pretend you don't know it too."

"So what Brittany? So are you going to just leave Sam? Pack your things up from this perfect life and leave him a note with the ring saying sorry but not really that sorry."

"I am sorry that I have to do that to him."

"You're not leaving Sam." She couldn't take it anymore. She stood up and began finding her clothes around the apartment as Brittany followed her with a sheet barely covering her.

"What? Why would I not leave Sam?"

"Because I don't want you to."

"But you want us to be together?"

"No, I don't want that."

"Excuse me?"

"I said things were complicated and they still are."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You stay with Sam and we have one blissful afternoon together."

"I can't end this. I can't stop how I feel about you, maybe you can, but it's constant for me."

"You don't think it's constant for me? You don't think as soon as I realised his hand was on your back I didn't feel like vomiting, or sobbing, or killing him. I feel all of those things, but I love you more than I feel those things."

"You're a coward."

"Ok, this obviously isn't getting anywhere, so I'll just leave and you do what you want to do and call me if you need a good fuck once and a while." She felt the white-hot slap before she heard the stinging sound. "And apparently you want it to be a rough fuck." Again the feeling before the sound.

"Stop doing this right now." And then Santana broke down. The sobs from last night returned with an increased fervour.

"Why can't you trust me? I wouldn't do this if I didn't love you more than anything. I'm here and no Brittany we don't fuck I know that, because I've fucked and it's sure not like that."

"You make me crazy."

"You make me crazy. You always have. I can't though, Britt, I can't be crazy."

"I'll stay with Sam for now, but I can only put off a wedding for so long."

"You shouldn't put off the wedding."

"Of course I should. Didn't you hear me when I said that we were meant for each other? Those aren't words I just throw out. We're not perfect, Sam and me, it's not perfect, it looks like it, but you're my hurdle and he's trying as hard as he can, but you're pretty wedged in there. I love you Santana, more than anyone, always."

"Always me too." They leaned their foreheads against each with their deep breaths chasing each other across the space between their noses. "I have to go to work."

"You haven't left and I already miss you so much it hurts."

"I always miss you so much it hurts."

"Always me too."

Santana kissed her forehead then her lips, gathering the remains of her clothes and making her way out the door. If she was being honest the moment she saw Brittany in that bar her first night back she knew it would come to this. Still, if she was being even more honest she knew it could not end well. Not with her family and Brittany's family. She knew Brittany didn't know how involved her father was with the Fabrays. He may fronted himself as an honourable lawyer, but some of his clients were much less than honourable.

Her phone ringing thrust her back into reality. Puck flashed across the screen. "Hey."

"You need to get down here now," But it wasn't Puck's voice, it was their friend Matt's.

"Where? What's wrong?"

"It's Puck, they jumped him. Your dad's house now. The doctor is looking at him now and it doesn't look great."

"I'll be there as soon as possible." She didn't realise the possibility of going from utter bliss to completely consuming terror.

By breaking a couple of traffic laws they arrived at the house fifteen minutes later. Santana ran out of the car into her former bedroom, where Puck lay sprawled on the bed. Matt was discussing something with a doctor. Puck's eyes were puffy and swollen with a black and purple coating covering his cheeks nose, even his chin. She could already see two places where stitches held red skin together. She ghosted her fingers over his face, not able to touch it for fear of hurting him.

Matt joined her at his bedside. "Some Fabray assholes jumped him. Nose and his right hand are broken. Doctor said there's nothing more we can do. He's got a cast and he wants him to come in, but you know how we need to avoid hospitals."

"Which Fabray assholes?"

"Think some of Finn's cronies, you know Sebastian, that new kid Ryder I think, Puck's friend Brittany's little brother."

"Brittany Pierce?"

"Yeah we went to high school with her."

"Her brother hangs with the Fabrays now?"

"Basic selling and crony duties, but yeah."

"Can you get Ryder for me?"

"Sure, shouldn't be too hard if we watch his movement."

"I want you to get him for me, but you don't do anything to him. This is too personal; I want to handle it."

"What are you going to do?"

"He's certainly not going to look as good as Puck does now."

"Are you sure you want to do this San? We've been friends for years and sure you can be a bitch sometimes, well a lot of the time. This is real though. You may run the legal business, but you can't come back from this."

"Am I the boss?"

"Of course."

"Then I want you to get Ryder and bring him to me."

"Ok, but there's a better place for us to do this. There's a place we usually do this. Once I have him I'll text you the address."

"Good, and make sure no one hurts him. I will take care of that."

It took a few days to track Ryder down. She didn't see Brittany at all those few days. Sam was back in town and she saw them out together. Brittany tried to catch her eye or approach her, but as soon as she saw them arrive she tried to make her way to a different place of business. So she spent her days watching bad television with Puck and eating junk food. He was acting tough, but she knew more than anything it had broken his pride to be jumped like that. They didn't talk about. She saw it every time he winced and tried to hide it from her. Every wince only built up her anger. It was Snix in a completely different way. Not the drunk Snix of her college nights, but whenever she thought about she saw red, blood red. She had never felt this before. It was the first time she hadn't been able to see her family deliver their promise to stay safe. She knew she had to do something.

Santana took a deep breath as she moved the handle of the bat from one hand to the other, the rubber chafing against her hands. Matt looked back at her and her metal bat from the front seat where he directed her driver. He smiled at her, a caring smile. She always liked Matt. He was one of Puck's best friends, but unlike most of them it wasn't just about fucking around and partying. Matt had always had something to prove. She always thought he was a good influence for Puck. Still he ended up just like Puck, doing illegal things. Not that she judged anyone about that. She understood what it came too.

The car lurched to a stop and Matt handed her a black ski mask. "Probably don't want them knowing you're running part of the operation yet."

What was usually a busy waterfront restaurant was empty and had many burly men smoking outside. They gave her a head nod in respect then showed her to the so named Ryder.

He was tied to a chair and his eyes were covered. There was no need to cover his mouth, no one could find him.

"Do you know why you're here Ryder?" Santana asked as she circled the chair.

"No, I mean I swear I just did it because I was told too. I don't got any choices of what I do and I barely even touched him. I mean I maybe got a kick in but that's just because they were calling me a pussy and stuff. I don't even like doing that shit."

Wack. Crack. The bat made swift contact to his right knee. He began crying immediately, and pleading soon after. "Please, please, I've got a mom and a dad and I don't want to die." It disgusted her the sounds of agony he made between each world as blood trickled down his pant leg, still she attempted to keep her voice steady.

"You think I'm going to kill you. Do you really think you're worth that? You're nothing."

"You're right. I'm nothing and I'm sorry. Quinn told Finn to do it. All the guys said Puck told Quinn he was going to stop fucking her, because he's got a new girlfriend or something and he's done with Quinn. She got so pissed she told Finn he like attacked her or something."

"Good story."

"It's true I promise. Tommy Pierce told me all that and his sister is best friends with Quinn so he'd know. Tommy Pierce, he was the only who really got at Puck's face."

"I'm done with this kid." She handed the bat to Matt before walking out to the car. He followed her. "Break his nose, maybe a cheek bone or both and both knees."

"You ok San? You look a little green." Then right there she vomited next to the car. "Fuck man. Let's get you back to Puck."

"I don't want to go there, just take me home. Please, just home."

"Ok ok, c'mon." He helped her into the car and as they joined the whir and movement of traffic still all she could hear was the pain she had caused. It didn't give her the satisfaction she thought it would. All she could think about was his family, worrying about where he was and see herself worrying about Puck. Still she knew she needed to show everyone that she was serious about the business. Thankfully Matt was the only one to witness her post torture vomit. Now, all she really wanted, though she hated to admit it, was Brittany.

When she was behind the safety of her apartment door she dialled the number. "Hello this is Brittany."

"Hey."

"Oh hey Maci I am actually just out at the grocery store with Sam right now, but I can definitely cover your shift at the dance studio tonight." She was pretending it wasn't her.

"I just needed to hear your voice. I wanted to make sure you were real."

"Tonight? What time is your shift? Oh 6-12. Yeah I can make it. I know Sam, but we can reschedule for tomorrow night, we always have dinner with your parents."

"No, don't do that. It's fine. You do what you have to do."

"It's no trouble at all."

"No. I'm fine. I really am fine."

"Are you sure? Well, then maybe I'll see you on Tuesday once Sam leaves?"

"We'll talk later."

"Sounds great."

After they hung up she knew she had never called. She was doing this to the both of them and it already hadn't started well and she knew it could not end well.


	4. A Lover Came Back

They're eighteen and Santana knows they have their whole lives ahead of them, but to her it feels like this is the only moment that matters. Puck drives the car too fast. She knows he's been taking drugs since probably last night. She hadn't seen him since they woke up next to each to other two mornings ago. It used to bother her when she knew that he was with other girls, but now she didn't care. She knew in the end he was her's, not romantically, but in everything that really mattered he loved her most. Now they drive to one of the parties of one of his girls. She lives in a massive house by the water, not as massive as Santana's but she can still appreciate the grandeur. As soon as they enter the house with its pulsing music and sweating teens Puck peels off to another room, not before pointing her in the direction of the alcohol. She watches him out of the corner of her eyes as he places a dime bag in an attractive brunettes hand as he salaciously kisses her cheek. She smiles because she doesn't know what else to do and makes her way into the kitchen, pouring herself an ample offering of vodka with a side of red bull. She feels eyes on her but doesn't pay it any mind, eyes are always on her. It's still incredibly hot outside so people congregate around the pool. Alcohol and swimming, what a wonderful combination. She takes a sip of her drink, only cringing a little bit at the bite. She has this feeling that she'll never see these people ever again and this is the first time she's seen most of them. It makes her sad. She doesn't know why. These are Puck's people and that's ok, but she doesn't have any people here other than him. This isn't where she belongs, she knows that, her abuela says it to her all the time. She's worth more, but still she always follows Puck here like she's looking for something, like there's a destiny waiting for her that will one day fall into her lap.

And then it does, destiny that is, in the form of Brittany S. Pierce. That's who's been watching her with hooded blue eyes. She doesn't come up to her until Santana is three drinks in. She's danced with Puck for a little while until he goes off with a blonde girl named Quinn. She doesn't mind though, just continues dancing until she needs another drink. That's when Brittany offers her hand to her. "You dance really well." Just like that it's all over for Santana. She doesn't even feel the need to talk to anyone for the rest of her life as long as Brittany is there. They talk out on the dock, sharing a drink. Brittany tells Santana that she always sees her at the parties with Puck and everyone always wonders about her, especially Quinn, but then again mostly her.

It doesn't take very long, just five days, for Santana to sloppily remove her clothes in front of Brittany. She does have liquid courage and they're in a bathroom at one of her father's clubs. Brittany stops her before she completely removes her dress. "Not like this," she says. "We're special." Santana says that to herself at night forever after. We're special. Her mantra. Her reminder. We're special. She's embarrassed initially. Maybe we're special means that Brittany doesn't actually want her. But Brittany wants her she finds out two days later in her bedroom. It's like nothing she's ever experienced before. She feels like an addict after. Brittany is all she wants all the time.

She can't figure out if Brittany feels the same way even the we're special that she repeats does nothing to relax her as she tosses and turns in her over air conditioned room. It's been three weeks and they spend all their time together. Brittany works at the dance studio and Santana waits for her all day to get out. She starts picking her up after one and a half weeks. Then one day she takes a long time coming out and Santana finds herself watching Brittany dancing in a mirror in the studio. All the lights are out and she moves. She watches until Brittany sees her, her face reddening that she did not notice her before. "I love you," Santana blurts out in a tumble of nerves.

Brittany smiles, a massive stellar sun catching smile. "I knew I loved you before I even talked to you." How can Brittany say things so simply? Why did she have to wait for so long to notice the person watching her? She feels like she lost time with Brittany, like she should have been spending her whole life with her. When she expresses this to Brittany she puts it simply again, "Well we will spend the rest of our life together." Santana believes her.

Puck notices something around the second month, which shows his lack of awareness. It's not Brittany that he notices just the lack of Santana. This is when he starts to try to get her to hang out with him more. He's jealous. He doesn't know where she goes or who she's with even though he sees Brittany all the time. He doesn't connect it. She wishes she didn't like having Brittany as a secret from him. She wishes she could share it with the world.

When she tells her tia Eva she sobs, gut wrenching soul crushing sobs because somehow she knows what's coming. She knows it can't last. She's not one of those people where things can be all lovely and perfect.

She doesn't sleep for two months, not really at least, after she sees Brittany for the last time. She meets new friends at school and likes them enough. She meets a boy named Luke and after having sex she falls asleep for the first time, real deep sleep, but she feels horrifically guilty. She hates every part of her that he touched as she looks at herself in the mirror. She doesn't cry. She can't really do that anymore. She calls Brittany though. It's the only time that she breaks.

"Hello?"

"Britt."

"Santana?"

"I shouldn't have called." Brittany does not respond and they just listen to each other breath, like it's oxygen, like it's involuntary. Finally she says goodbye and Brittany says she loves her. So much. She doesn't respond. She doesn't say it back. We're special she thinks. Then she knows it's not true. We're not special, just Brittany. Brittany's the special one and she's just Santana.

She lay in bed for a while after the whole Ryder scenario. She tried to decide if she regretted it or not and decided she didn't. So that's how she got to thinking about Brittany, because really she was always thinking about Brittany. We're special. It was all such bullshit. But it wasn't and she knew that and she hated herself for doubting it for one second. She hadn't seen Brittany for a while. Brittany tried to call her, well she did call her, but Santana didn't answer.

She went through the motions. Sleep. Work. Puck. Family. Sleep. Work. Puck. Family. Sleep. It no particular order really. Then one day a few weeks after Santana told Brittany she just needed to hear her voice there's a call from her doorman. "There's a Brittany Pierce here to see you." And she doesn't know why the words come out of her to tell him to let her come up and she doesn't even know when she opened the door and she doesn't even remember how she ever forgot how beautiful Brittany was as she stood there in the doorway.

"I tried to stay away," Brittany said. "Not really though."

"I'm glad you didn't."

"Are you? I thought you'd say something melodramatic like my life is too complicated for you and you should stay away and go back and marry Sam."

"I should say all that."

"Why don't you?"

"I think I just need you right now."

"Santana…" There wasn't often that she thought she was making Brittany as weak and helpless as Brittany made her. In fact she couldn't remember a moment where she felt that way. But here as Brittany stared nervously at the ground she saw it. Brittany may have been just as weak as her when it came to them.

"You should come in. Are you hungry?"

"Maybe I was before."

"Before what?"

"Before you." The door somehow closed and they were just staring at each other. Santana broke the stare and she regretted it immediately. She wanted to stay in that moment forever while also never wanting it.

"I was going to make food before you came."

She faced the inside of the fridge, dumbly looking through her ingredients. Brittany lightly touched her hip, spinning her around and subtly pulling up her shirt to run her finger across Santana's ribs. "I don't like these."

"My ribs?"

"How did this happen?"

"Please stop."

"Stop what?"

"I just can't have you looking at me like that or touching me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like I'm precious! Like I'm all that matters. I need you to stop making it so hard to say the things I should be saying to you."

"To send me away."

"Yes."

"To get me to marry someone else."

"Exactly."

"What if you let me make my own choices? I know that's incredibly crazy to you, but how about we try that out? Just for a little while because I'm sure you'll absolutely hate not being in control of one thing for one second."

"It's not a control thing it's a protectiong thing."

"I think you're scared."

"Of what?"

"Of me hurting you like you hurt me."

"I hurt myself more when I hurt you."

"Fuck you Santana. That's such bullshit."

"It's not! I did it because I love you and my dad threatened you!"

"What?"

"Nothing I just… I didn't mean to say that… I don't know what I'm talking about."

"Your father threatened me?"

"That's not what I meant to say. I got confused."

"I'm not scared of your father."

"Well you should be and it's not just him."

"So who is it? You have a whole gang of your extended family who want to kill me because I turned you into a lesbian?"

"Lesbian? Who said anything about it being about me being a lesbian?"

"Your family is Catholic Santana."

"Sort of. I mean in name, but not always in practice. It's not about that anyway. They want me to be happy, but there are certain parameters for that happiness and you and your family don't fit into those parameters."

"So my family is too poor and unimportant for your family? News flash I am marrying the son of the governor and they don't seem to have a problem with my family."

"It's not that."

"So is it because I'm white?"

"It's more complicated than that."

"Just tell me Santana! Be honest."

"I can't. I don't want to ruin everything."

"Everything you say is an attempt to ruin us."

"Your dad! Your dad works for the Fabrays."

"Yeah, he's their lawyer."

"Do you know what my father and Fabray do?"

"Your father is a doctor and sells medical equipment and they don't like each other because your father got a lot of people to stop buying from him."

"Is that the story your father told you?"

"Yes…"

"They run gangs Brittany. Your father is the lawyer for a mobster and my father and my family is their enemy, so my cousin did not take too kindly to our relationship, because it threatens our family. It's a weakness and I can't be weak."

"You're not weak."

"I am. Around you I am. If I had to choose between my family and you I always would choose you."

"You choose them all the time! Every time you reject me you choose them."

"Is that what you think? Every time I do something detrimental to our relationship it is because I am choosing you. I would rather you be safe than my family. I prioritise you. You're my first. You're my only."

"I suppose it is a bit complicated."

"I've only been saying that forever."

"So why didn't it matter when we first started seeing each other? You didn't care then."

"When my father found out he told me I had to end the relationship and I stayed away as long as I could. Then I saw you again. I tried so hard to avoid that moment when I saw you again."

"You do love me then?"

"You doubted it?" Then for the first time Brittany broke, tears streaming down her face. "God, no, no, please don't cry. Of course Brittany, of course I love you. You don't believe me when I say it? Or when you and I are together? I love you so much I can't even describe it. You complete me. You own me."

"I just love you so much."

"But now you see? Now you see why I have to let you marry Sam, because my family needs to see it, especially Umberto. El es loco!"

"He's crazy."

"You've been practicing your Spanish."

"For you."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For understanding."

"Well you explained. You have never explained before. You're so scared of losing me that you spend most of your time pushing me away. It's amazing that I'm still in love with you really."

"So you are?"

"Always. We're special Santana. I always meant that."

"You remember."

"Always."


End file.
